me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
You Might Also Like
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream