Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Bond. Trauma bond.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Butt weight. There’s more!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Lmfaoooooo