A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
#ProTip
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.