Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT