[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Grandmother clock.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.