Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You Might Also Like
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The Sun
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?