me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.