When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons