Just say no
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
ÂŁ900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
The 6 types of sex
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.