My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
incredible book dedication
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.