when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.