I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Expect the unexporcupine.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
No. He’s not coming out to play
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song