boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no