Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
They must have gotten it to go.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought