frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Cardio Made Easy
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.