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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
#parenting
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*