Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us