Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk