FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*lint rolls you awake*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.