Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”