“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When ur friends with white people
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.