[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Real House Wines.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Is….Is this an option?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things