I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.