Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The Birdles
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.