Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail