learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You Might Also Like
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.