Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.