Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“no gods no masters” = leo
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.