Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Risking my life for fun.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
no their not
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
and this one
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old