I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You Might Also Like
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love