STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.