WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Peace was never an option
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.