Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society