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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
let’s discuss
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.