Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
nyc:
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Help Wanted
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Not today. 😅
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?