[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When he asks for feet pics
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.