This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Still my favourite meme.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out