Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
how to market bottled water to dads
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job