Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
just witnessed a drug deal
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?