ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The Friday File.