As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.