I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
You Might Also Like
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys