no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.