My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
a badder mouse
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I need this for my side hustle.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.