I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
moms in horror movies
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.