FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
This is a sub tweet
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.