Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!