*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*