My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
🤣😈🤣
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram