When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Goodnight 🐶
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.